My Neighbor, Only a Name On a Mailbox
Margaret Yamasaki dyed her hair seaweed color. (Revised) In the right light and a few miles an hour of windshe appears to swim toward me, to come landward,a water postman, eerie mop of hair...
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Dear Bernie,We will never agree, and I will, at some point, stop insisting. I do use gerunds and similes, but try to avoid them, if/when I can. Since my mind can read your poem almost, if not...
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Poetema---thanks for your generous comments.and here is the pom sans them gerunds and like/as words you are not so red hot about. Margaret Yamasaki dyed her hair seaweed color.In the right light and...
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I haven't been able to keep up with this forum lately. You all rock! I like this very much, Bernie -- both versions, except that I prefer "waving" in S1. It's more natural, less wordy. Anyway, I...
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BernieA silver porpoise can be called an old man?I used to think a nurse was female until I heard of male nurses.But I could make out that this is a fantasy poem.We have the water crow,a bird that...
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hi Toni---much thanks for looking at both versions---the ing -less one for Poetema and the posted version.double duty. much thanks and i very much appreciated your discussion. i agree. i also agree...
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BernieIt seems I did not read the poem and poem only.I ususally do not read crits before I have formed my own opinion.But yesterday your porpoise led me away from looking at the poem,and taking it at...
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Hi Bernie. I thought the line 'a finished poem not yet read to an audience' was unnecessary and perhaps to the detriment of the piece. Cheers, Frank
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S---happy to comment. to me, that is part of the process.Frank---thanks for your comment. did you think this line was too "poetic" for the more naturalistic poem? if so, i agree.I imagine sea water...
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Bas she effortlessly rides the Pacific breakers.This line gives the feeling of continuing movement and hence enhances the swimming.The other line ,I kept thinking about virgin poems.Sivakami
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Bernie, I very much like the revision in the reply thread that you did. You know, and this is just my opinion, but I think that sometimes poets write for other poets and is the everyday reader looking...
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"few miles an hour of wind" I would substitute "a gentle wind", but I know nothing of free verse. The metaphor of the plane seems too transient. Who takes over when the plane is gone? I'm too literal....
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Bernie,A few suggestions/questions about this very-much-enjoyed poem:Margaret Yamasaki dyed her hair seaweed green. (Revised) In the right light and in a few miles an hour of windshe appears to swim...
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Thanks, Poetema. Your original support for this poem kept me hanging in with the revisions. I was struck by the range of selections that our IBPC judge, Fiona Sampson, offered us. her discursive...
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Yeah Bernie, Congrats!! I was waiting for Jude to post the official list -- but since it was mentioned here, just wanted to chime in. tc
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"as she effortlessly swims the Pacific breakers" the one line that didn't work for me. Otherwise, this piece did. Thanks for sharing! Nic
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Toni---thank you very much and thanks for all you do with the prompts and your own poetry work. Verylike---i'm that way too. usually a line rubs the wrong way even in a poem that i like---sooo, glad...
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I think this is strong work and yet and i'm still not sure i get the postman image. i know from the title and the first stanza that the mail and delivery is important. but i get lost in the sea. have...
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hi, a new friend. great to meet you.this here "water postman"-----a postman who comes not on foot or in a rural delivery vehicle, but a boat.if the poem says,she appears to swim toward me, to come...
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